OK, so I’ve been dying to get into the pharmaceutical copywriting business for a couple of reasons. In the first place, I’ve been freelancing for a vitamin/natural/herbal company, so my feet are already wet. Next, much like doctors, medical marketers make more money than their more plebian counterparts. There’s also the issue of free samples and how they’ll react with a well-timed glass of wine. And finally, I’d like to get in the game because most, if not all, medical marketing ads utterly suck in their badness, and I think I could do a much better job. After all, could I do worse, really? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not critiquing the need for the products themselves; I will leave the discourse regarding manufactured ‘conditions’ for more politically astute commentators. However, the marketing for medicine we’re supposed to ask out doctor about is pretty crappy. Taken collectively, it’s almost like the ‘Mommie Dearest’ of the advertising industry, where its just so bad it’s good.

Unlike ‘Mommie Dearest,’ which made Joan Crawford a different kind of household name, medical television advertising fails to make an impact regarding the product. For me, they all seem to blend into one another, and all feature the same basic formula:

• 1. A contrived situation.
• 2. A newly found condition of distress.
• 3. A long, recited disclaimer with many, MANY side effects and reasons why you shouldn’t take the product in the first place.

Now, since the pharmaceutical industry is booming, these ads are obviously effective. My question to the American Public is…why? I know it’s an axiom of our industry to never underestimate the stupidity of the American Public, but if the way to a ‘better nights sleep’ involves ‘anal tearing, spotting and dizziness,’ wouldn’t you rather just stay awake? To put it another way, if driving a car caused your skin to slowly flake off your body until you were merely tendons and fat, would you hop into that SUV?

The disclaimers are merely the icing on the cake, however. For every ‘people who breathe oxygen regularly should not take X,’ there’s a condition that is seemingly made up to market the product. One of my recent favorites involves a series of questions, like:

Do you sometimes feel sad? Lonely? Out of touch? Then you may have light depression. Ask you doctor or pharmacist about…

Let’s break it down. Don’t well all feel a little sad sometimes? Or lonely and knocked far away from the loop? Of COURSE we do! It’s called humanity. So what in the living hell is ‘light depression?’ And why does it need a cure beyond a trip to the local bar? And what’s the difference between ‘light’ and ‘heavy’ depression? Don’t get me wrong: marketing wizards have been manufacturing need for eons…but ‘light depression?’ C’mon guys! You’ve got to try a little harder than that…

…but don’t tell me to envision things that will gross me out while I’m eating. For example, the commercial that encourages us to ‘imagine that! A venereal disease caused by a virus.’ Do I really have to? And why are eighty random women talking to me about it in the first place… …which leads me to my favorite part of the pharmaceutical advertising brigade: the RIDICULOUS situations. Like the aforementioned women casually talking about their vaginas while walking to work, or school, or in the carpool lane. Really? This is clearly the legacy of the douche ads, where a mom and daughter bond over their stinky privates, sharing a confidence over ‘that not so fresh feeling.’ Except that nobody, nowhere talks like that! So you have groups of people in ‘normal’ situations, like a classroom lecture, or a diner, or a boardroom, or the ubiquitous fishing trip (favored for male sexual enhancement,) talking like no people have ever conversed before!

Now, maybe I’m wrong…and maybe I’m being too picky, but do students and teachers ‘rap’ about the side effects of a certain pill? Do men haul in the latest catch and then talk about their prostates? Do women really share intimate details about their private parts over coffee at the local café? Mind you, this is the culture that flipped out over Janet Jackson’s boob…so I can’t imagine shopping trip discourse over ‘erectile dysfunction’ being all that common. So consider this my ‘cover letter’ for employment in the pharmaceutical advertising field. Sure, your commercials are being remembered, but not for the reasons intended. Give me a shot. I’m quite good at the ad game, and I’m sure I can up the ante on quality from laughably bad to passably mediocre. It might even be good once in awhile. That’s the side effect of great marketing.

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